Just when you thought all this Christmas bullshit had finally blown over, BAM! — you're hit with a secret Speedo Santa surprise attack in the middle of your walk to work. A hot bout of panic leaves you startled, with all your coffee spilled down your leg and your eyes locked on Santa in shock and awe. As your gaze wanders down past his sexy scruff and scarf, you light on that distinctive upper right arm tattoo and realize you've seen it somewhere else before: on the upper right arm of Vlad from accounting. The very same Vlad who only wears button-down formal short sleeves and brings a tuna salad sandwich and Capri Sun for lunch every single day and somehow always manages to bring up the giant birthmark that covers his entire [redacted] in every conversation he has? No, it couldn't be. This cut and cocky Mr. Claus has too much swagger, not enough Vlad. And Vlad would never do something like this! Doesn't he know Christmas is over and done with? Or maybe someone told him about your fleshy Santa fetish and he's decided to bring all your break room flirtation to fruition at long last? Oh god. It seems there's only one way to find out if it's really Vlad and figure out what's actually going on: You'll have to finally ask to see that birthmark.
Yours in thirst,
Lincoln (@marytodd_)
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