Matthew Tucker / BuzzFeed
If you’re anything like me, you probably didn’t know that porn awards are an actual thing. So you can imagine my surprise when an email landed in my inbox informing me that, not only are they real, but there’s one specifically for gay porn, too. I had already accepted the invite before I’d finished reading it and started assessing some pretty important questions: What was I going to wear? (was a jockstrap and a smile enough??); was I going to recognize my idols? (without their dicks out, it might be pretty hard...); would I elope and marry a porn star? (my mother shot that idea down because she apparently doesn’t believe in fun)
You’d be surprised to know that the whole affair was… well, just like any other awards night! Yes, there was an abundance of hot men, some in more revealing outfits than others. Yes, I may have seen a bare butt or three. And yes, I was given a bottle of lube called “SPUNK” in a goodie bag. But, other than that, the awards were somewhat civilized. OK, so the entertainment included men dressed as latex dogs — paws and all — and a "fashion show" that was pretty light on actual clothing. But hey, it was gay porn so in the grand scheme of things, it was pretty tame. As you can imagine, it’s somewhat difficult talking to a bunch of porn stars when you may or may not have watched them sing their hallelujahs with a dick in their butt at some point. But they were all exceptionally nice and friendly. I felt it only fair that they get their moment to shine for their contribution to such outstanding work that I passionately admire.
In only one way was the night a disappointment: No matter my efforts, I left the venue with neither a ring on my wedding finger nor a porn star on my arm. Sigh.
Yours in thirst,
Ben (@notagainben)
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