I hate to have to be the one to break this to you, Nathaniel, but "Dick in a Box" is actually a pretty passé cultural reference at this point — the song came out over nine years ago. That's not to say I don't appreciate all the effort you've put into this sensual display, but...maybe you could have tried a little harder. Just think of all the other things you could have put in that box. A nice scarf? A cute pair of earrings for your mom? Books? Biscuits? The Sea-Monkeys Sea-Quarium Aquatic Life starter kit that I've been talking to you about for the past six weeks? Another box? Literally anything but what I'm assuming you have shoved through a jagged hole in the underside of that poor, sweet, unsuspecting little package? Of course, all of this isn't to say that I won't thoroughly enjoy whatever it is you've got there for me. I just really wanted those goddamn Sea-Monkeys this year.
Yours in thirst,
Lincoln (@marytodd_)
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