Dude A Day: Daddy's Home

Mr. Marky Mark has got some wet trunks and a gnarly farmer's tan that really need your attention.

Scylla / FameFlynet Pictures

Mark Wahlberg was not responsible for my sexual awakening — that was the job of a crusty Justin Timberlake poster from the 5th grade.

However, Mark Wahlberg was responsible for my ~daddy awakening~, which just so happened yesterday when I discovered a picture of him on the beach with a wet farmer’s-tanned dadbod.

I’ve always been attracted to Mark (I have eyes and an active sex drive, duh), but this marks the first time I’ve been attracted to Mark Wahlberg, The Dad.

A daddy awakening is a strange and wonderful thing. It can happen at any age, with or without real daddy issues, and strikes at whim, whether or not your desired daddy is even actually a real dad.

I was only 24. Suddenly, all my age restrictions were stripped away and the scent of an Eddie Bauer store set my heart racing. A daddy awakening leaves you with a thirst only aged men can quench — an affliction only the sight of Mark Wahlberg with a slight belly, fit band, and dripping crawfish swim trunks can truly cure.

So, here's to you Daddy Wahlberg: Transform me until it’s the age of my extinction; pull out your Dirk Diggler and I’ll give you an Italian job; stuff me and call me Ted— I don’t care about the other guys BECAUSE DADDY IS HOME AND I AM AWAKENED.

Yours in thirst,
Christian (@Christian_Zamo)