Dude A Day: Sloppy Bottoms

Literally. Here's what it was like to wipe down 12 ridiculously messy man-cakes.

Photo by Taylor Miller / @taylormillerphoto

Editor's note: Yesterday you heard from one of the men behind the Easter butts. Today, we learn what things were like on the other end of things — from a member of the cleanup crew.

I don't know what y'all have been told about this Easter butt business, but take it from someone who was actually there: It was not all fun and games. There was, in fact, quite a lot of hard work involved: the painters painting, the models modeling, the photographer photographing, and then me, on my knees in a back stuffy bathroom, going to town on those butts with wads of paper towels, baby oil, and some of the most desperate small talk of my life. You see, acrylic body paint goes on easy but comes off *hard* — and not in a good way. First, you have to lube things up with a baby oil base coat and standard get-to-know-you Qs: What's your name? How are you? Does this feel OK? Do you even celebrate Easter? Let me know if I'm moving too fast? The oil loosens the paint, and this is when things start to get messy. The colors have begun to smear. I have begun to sweat. Cracks and lower cheeks have become increasingly difficult to navigate. But the men must not know about the mess I've made of their money makers. So we talk weather, Broadway, music, memes, fitness, art, careers, and more as I frantically change out paper towels to sop up all the bleeding ass paint. Eventually I've removed most of it and just make one last pass with top-grade extra virgin olive oil to really wipe the slate/cake clean. I then leave the men to their own devices to shower and take care of any remaining business they may need to attend to.

If you're thinking that any of this sounds sexy or salacious, you would be sorely mistaken. It was just business as usual: one man wiping down other men's painted bums so they could all get on with their days.

As(s) you were,
Lincoln (@marytodd_)

Interested in checking out work from any of the actually-talented gents in the photo above? Left to right: Will Varner (artist), Josh Green (model), and Joe Sulsenti (model) 👀 👀 👀