A word to the wise: If you're trying to go out and do up Groundhog Day like Kevin here, it helps to get a few things straight first:
1) The festivities go down in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, not Asheville, North Carolina, which is where Kevin's darling but deeply misguided friend Miranda told him to go. (She also still believes the moon landings were faked and that juice cleanses actually work, so, like, Kevin probably should have sought out a second opinion (or new friend).)
2) Groundhog Day is traditionally a tense and solemn occasion, given that humanity's fate rests inexplicably in the hands/paws of an amateur marmot meteorologist. So, please, Kevin, have some respect — at least wear your formal underwear.
3) No, Bill Murray won't be there.
4) Finally, uh, it already happened, Kevin. Punxsutawney Phil poked his head out early this morning, didn't see his shadow (yay, early Spring!), then scurried back into his little burrow. So you're not going to find him rootin' around that tree down in Asheville. I'm so sorry about all this confusion. Better luck next year?
Yours in thirst,
Lincoln (@marytodd_)
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